Vote + to improve this toplist's ranking
Report Abuse

Top funniest jokes

41 items ranked

Some of the funniest and oldest jokes around

Rated 4 points - posted 8 years ago by AmandaSL in category Other.
Click on up and down arrows to affect item's ranking



1.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
There were 3 men called Poop, Manners & Shut up Report Abuse
One day they were driving past the police station and Poop fell out. Shut up went inside to get the police. They asked him, "What's your name?" "Shut up." He replied "Where are your manners?" "Picking up Poop off the street."
11 points - added 7 years ago by Isabelle Love - 1 comment
Comments:
lol
Added 5 years ago by guest, 1 point Vote + to improve this comment's ranking Vote - to decrease this comment's ranking

2.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'' Report Abuse
If the baby was that ugly, would you really want to insult a monkey like that?
11 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

3.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?'' Report Abuse
6 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

4.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.'' Report Abuse
2 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

5.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. Report Abuse
Mother's-in-law make for the best jokes.
1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

6.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. Report Abuse
1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

7.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. Report Abuse
1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

8.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I said to this train driver....... Report Abuse
''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

9.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it...... Report Abuse
it was a ****zu.'' Picking on poor dogs, amusing though.
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

10.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra'' Report Abuse
Sometimes the simple things make you chuckle and sometimes, the less funny something is, the more you have to laugh.
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

11.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. Report Abuse
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

12.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

13.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

14.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

15.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here'' Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

16.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

17.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

18.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

19.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel...... Report Abuse
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

20.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?'' Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

21.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

22.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

23.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here'' Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

24.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

25.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

26.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. Report Abuse
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

27.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts..... Report Abuse
and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
0 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

28.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair Report Abuse
so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

29.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth. Report Abuse
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

30.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. Report Abuse
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

31.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant. Report Abuse
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

32.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied. Report Abuse
First time I've ever found a Tom Jones joke amusing.
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

33.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'' Report Abuse
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

34.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. Report Abuse
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

35.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''. Report Abuse
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

36.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything,'' Report Abuse
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

37.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster Report Abuse
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

38.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
My phone will ring at 2 in the morning...... Report Abuse
and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
-1 point - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

39.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. Report Abuse
-2 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

40.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?'' Report Abuse
-2 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -

41.

Vote + to improve this item's ranking
Vote - to decrease this item's ranking
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''. Report Abuse
-2 points - added 8 years ago by AmandaSL -
ShareRanks is about ranking things that are top, most, greatest, or even worst in all categories.
Use arrows to rank one item in versus another.
Top 10 Top funniest jokes are especially marked