1.
There were 3 men called Poop, Manners & Shut up
One day they were driving past the police station and Poop fell out.
Shut up went inside to get the police. They asked him, "What's your name?"
"Shut up." He replied
"Where are your manners?"
"Picking up Poop off the street."
11 points - added 11 years ago by Isabelle Love - 1 comment
Comments:
lol
Added 9 years ago by guest, 1 point
2.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
If the baby was that ugly, would you really want to insult a monkey like that?
11 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
3.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
6 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
4.
'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
2 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
5.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Mother's-in-law make for the best jokes.
1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
6.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
7.
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
8.
I said to this train driver.......
''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
9.
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it......
it was a ****zu.''
Picking on poor dogs, amusing though.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
10.
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
Sometimes the simple things make you chuckle and sometimes, the less funny something is, the more you have to laugh.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
11.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
12.
I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
13.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
14.
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
15.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
16.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
17.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
18.
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
19.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel......
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
20.
I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
21.
I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
22.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
23.
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
24.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
25.
I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
26.
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
27.
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts.....
and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
0 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
28.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair
so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
29.
A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
30.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
31.
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
32.
Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
First time I've ever found a Tom Jones joke amusing.
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
33.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
34.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
35.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
36.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything,''
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
37.
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
38.
My phone will ring at 2 in the morning......
and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
-1 point - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
39.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
-2 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
40.
There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
-2 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
41.
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
-2 points - added 11 years ago by AmandaSL -
ShareRanks is about ranking things that are top, most, greatest, or even worst in all categories.
Use arrows to rank one item in versus another.
Use arrows to rank one item in versus another.
Top 10 Top funniest jokes are especially marked